So Appreciative, So.

It's going to be a long day, I can feel it. Working in a place with hands on tables and feet in water, and all I have to say about it is that I will be leaving by 5 oclock on the ditty dot.

But I do have to tell you something, keys. I am ready to start a new day. It's 8 in the morning and I'm ready to begin something beautiful. Okay, so I'm a corndog. Whatever.

Yesterday was a big step, and today will be the even wider one. And I have begun to pull back my arms from their typical outstretch position. No longer will I be the one who needs the help.

I know confidence is my fault, and it's now my time to feel beautiful. Let's face it; I was blessed with a beautiful face and a beautiful life. I am appreciative. I am scared, though.

See, there's something that is going on in my life that wakes me up in the morning. It puts me to bed easier. It whispers to me when I'm sad and calms me down when I'm angry.

It tells me it loves me.

And I don't want to lose it. Because, you know. The best things in life are free. Love is the best cliche until you get your hands on it.

And something has to be said about love when I still get excited that I had a message waiting on my phone from someone who cares enough.

I know it's reading this.

I just am trying to say how I feel.
And I am so appreciative of you.

Heck. You make the sun rise into my eyes and my mind. How could I not be appreciative!?

I AM.

I'm fucking it up.

Spilling Negativity

Put it in your mouth
Just put it in your mouth,
Don't eat that piece of shit!
What the hell are you thinking!
Just don't worry about it,
it's going to be the most
wonderful thing that ever
happened to you
Maybe you should eat it
Just don't eat it
Why did you switch!?
Are you happy with yourself?
Don't worry about it,
you're going to work it
off later.
Just eat the damn thing,
You fucking fat ass.



My brain it makes me weak
But my body keeps me strong.
And I am strong, God Damnit.

Scene One: Deliberation In Conversation

{Enter Dragon stage left, to a pondering and curiously gorgeous Rabbit}

Dragon: Lay your worries on me, I have advice and I have experience.

Rabbit: The experience you offer does not compare to the struggles I have experienced.

Dragon: I'm sure your worries will be of no trouble to me, for I am a listener by birth and a friend by choice. Tell me your troubles and I will rid you of them.

Rabbit: I will take into account your friendliness, and I thank you kindly for your concern. I do not wish to continue my already-prolonged anxiety about the situation. I choose to leave it solve itself.

Dragon: Your method confuses me.

Rabbit: How is this?

Dragon: A situation prolonged is a beetle in the carpet.

Rabbit: It shall be done. I will speak no longer.

Dragon: If one you know has caused you this situation of angst, it might fare to be in your best interest to allow an ear. I know I derive from mere dragon ancestry; I am not all-knowing. I am human in animal. But we all have hearts.

Rabbit: The situation will not continue to worsen, for it is in every animal's best interest to seek repentance, then truth.

Dragon: But sorrow is not meant to be pushed upon a blooming flower.

Rabbit: This I know, and this I regret.

Dragon: So let relax wondering eyes and mind.

Rabbit: It shall be done, with time.

{Exit Dragon and Rabbit}

Liquid River

In an Earth year, it would take me weeks to create a goal. Accomplish it.
Twist your ears towards me, and into the wind; I have something to say.
But it won't be the clear bell you expect it to be.
I speak with purpose, though I also speak with method.
Take my words with you
and twist them, wring them out,
and make a beautiful liquid river of my words.
Use the potion to splash onto canvas, and to paint your face with. I will not laugh.
I want you to listen to the words, and not the person.
If I were someone else, if I were anything else,
the words would be less or more.
Because really, it is up to the author to create a sense of self and purpose
for those words.
But what happens if the author lacks importance
or dedication to her work?
What would she be then?
A phony.

Wthout a blink

It's so confusing that I go all day
happy as a clam
and the next moment
I'm completely shattered
And need someone to hold my hand.
But its just a thought.
Do I really even need ANYBODY?


---------------------------------------

Cheer up,
it wasn't that bad.
But I understand.
It's going to take a week
to understand me.

----------------------
_END>>

Before I Sleep

And before I sleep
You will wake
and sleep again,
not once,
but twice.
Though the second time,
I will have mustered
enough energy
to appear next
to you.
Body within yours,
and fingers gripped.
And I will smile
and wish you goodnight.
And good morning
soon.

A Word Can

....................................................

Do you know how it feels?

Because I do.

.....................................................

You Will

In the cruelest of worlds, I write to let free a feeling
that is not yet named.
It lies within me, but will never be released.
I will control.
____________________________

Close your eyes and imagine a life
that is less perfect
and less beautiful
than the life you live.

Can you feel in your arms
a heavy brick, a heavy hold?

Can you feel in your heart
a tear, a tear on one side?

Do you feel a thick rock
pass through your throat
when an angel walks from you,
looking back but never smiling?
Together we know
Somehow
That this will never be alright

I do feel these things.
I do drag bricks across rivers
and I have learned to sew
with pieces of my heart.

And of all the things I could have written,
I continue to grin
I will not be held back
I will not be submissive.

It is my life to live
and yours to watch
and nod.

And You Will Nod.

When I should

FREEWRITE
_____________________________________

I have so much to say
that I don't know when
or where
to let it out.

I'm ready for a release
I am ready for
someone to know me
to understand.

When should I
let out my life
and let out my heart
for no one?

I think about the past
but more about the future
I know what I want
I know what I need
but I do not know
what I will get.

____________________

I love.
It's no longer a
word of power
but of hope
and of possibility.

I love.
And I will love.

How could you!?

This is the first and only chance I get to make an impression. I guess, really, it is up to you as the reader to choose whether or not you like me. I'm not typing online for anyone else's satisfaction but my own. I have found plenty of releases, and I am still young. Some of them have been bad; some have been healthy. But as we continue to grow, we seek more and more ways of learning how to cope with the problems we develop. So this is my attempt to self-heal. There is nothing wrong with me. I just think I have too many things to say; and to never say them at all would be a waste of a person and a disposal of a mind.

So how could I? Why am I writing this? I need this. I just need it. I can learn a lot from you; and you, me.

I'm not asking you to say with me, or to agree with everything I say. I just want the satisfaction of knowing that there are other people out in the world who know and feel what I go through, and I can learn more from them. Because the people who live a perfect life-those are the people who won't know how to deal with problems if they come. When they come.

I'll be here. I will, I will.